Letters to Voldemort or Harry Potter
by BatTitan
Summary: Well, all I can say is to take a look at the first chapter for rules and explanations. If you have any more doubts, feel free to PM me or review with your questions. Rated for language.
1. Chapter 1

**Letters to Voldemort or Harry Potter**

Well, all you have to do is send me a review with your letter for Voldemort or Harry. I'll forward it to them. There are very few rules:

1)Please refrain from cursing or any other bad language.

2) You can send as many letters as you want to both Harry and Voldemort.

Well, I suppose that's it. If you break these rules, I'll get Hagrid to break you...have a nice day! AND SEND THE LETTERS!


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 1**

* * *

Dear Voldemort  
Why can't you kill Harry? I mean, he's just a little kid. It's not like he's really good at spells or anything. And it's not like you haven't had chances. But, when you have him where you want him, you gloat, and he gets away. Every time. If you just killed him when you saw him, then it would be over. I know, you couldn't kill him when he was a BABY, but he's much stupidder now. I just don't get it.  
Yours sincerely,  
Whitetyger123

* * *

_Dear Whitetyger123,_

_The reason I can't kill Potter is because...uh...oh, what do you know?! AVADA KEDAVRA! Mwahahaha! That'll teach you to question the powerful and almighty Lord Voldemort!_

_From,_

_The great and all-powerful Dark Lord Voldemort._

* * *

dear voldermort 

why bother using the killing curse on baby harry when a simple cutting curse across his neck would have killed him by the way i have an informate telling me snape is gay and so is malfoy he married to through people off.

from the shade.

* * *

_Dear Shade,_

_I guess I'm so used to the Killing Curse that I don't bother with any other methods of killing people. But that is a good idea, I should try it out. And yes, I always thought Snape and Malfoy were gay, thanks for confirming my suspicions._

_From,_

_The great and all-powerful Dark Lord Voldemort._

* * *

'ey tom you've had a rough life when is the last time you cried 

from woundedragon.

* * *

_Dear woundedragon,_

_First of all, nice penname. Second, I just cried last night...wait, you weren't supposed to know that! And how much do you know about my life?! AM I BEING STALKED?!_

_From,_

_A paranoid great and all-powerful Dark Lord Voldemort._

* * *

to my dearest voldie-poo, 

i'm going to burn you alive. and then i'm going to have a muggle cut your limbs into small, bite sized chunks, then i'm going to make you eat them, then i'm going to cut open you stomach, and throw you to a griffen.

with the upmost love and respect,

keinove.

* * *

_To my darling keinove,_

_I'm going to have Death Eaters sent to your house. Then I'm going to have them put you under the Imperius curse and have you jump out the window and drown yourself. Then I am going to personally put you under the Cruciatus curse until you are in a worse state than the Longbottoms._

_With the greatest affection and reverence,_

_The great and all-powerful Dark Lord Voldemort._

_

* * *

_

Dear Lord Voldemort

i would rather see "harriet scarhead" in his/her (0.0) grave than u, and he should have died at ur hand, rather than u at his. tell me, is it true that ur patronus takes the form of a Basilisk or does it take a different form? and betwen u and me i think Bellatrix has a huge crush on u.

forever your loyal Death Eater

Courage57

* * *

_Dear Courage57,_

_I'm glad you're loyal and all, but why does your penname sound like something a Gryffindor would pick? Oh well. I love your nickname for Potter, it fits him. You're right, he is a bit of a girl. Maybe that redhead sidekick of his is rubbing off on him. And my Patronus is actually a regular snake, but I wish it was a Basilisk. It suits me more. Yes, I found out about Bellatrix's crush during the Death Eater Christmas party last year. She tried to corner me under the mistletoe...repeatedly. As punishment, I locked her in the same room as Nagini. Let's just say that Nagini wasn't in a very good mood that day...needless to say, I scared Bellatrix out of her infatuation._

_From,_

_The great and all-powerful Dark Lord Voldemort._

* * *

**A little note for keinove: I loved seeing Voldy's reaction to your letter, it was sort of a cross between disgust at your threats and shock that a mere Muggle could threaten him like this. And Harry happened to be with us at the time (he and Voldy have a temporary truce) and we both had a good laugh over it until Voldy threatened to Avada us. Your letter really livened up my day, thanks a lot.**

**R&R!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 2**

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* * *

**

**Hey, new chapter, finally! It took a while, but I did it! By the way, I'm gonna add a bit to Harry's and Voldy's responses, so Voldy's gonna be a bit cranky, sorry! Enjoy!**

**

* * *

**

Dear Harry  
I would just like to say...HOW NAIVE CAN YOU GET? like come on, you have to realize that dumbledork is playing you. he had this all set up from the start. every year something horrible happens and he saves you in the nick of time, only hes the one that put you in the mess anyways. personally i would like to see you team up with voldy and kick some dumbledore ass. whats the light side anyway beside people that act all high and mighty and like to play god... how is that worth saving.

LoveOfEvil

* * *

_Dear LoveOfEvil,_

_Well, I can't say I like your penname, but oh well, whatever floats your boat. I have realized that Dumbledore is manipulating me. Which is why I have decided to go to the Dark Side (but not with Voldemort, just alone) and yeah, I'll kick his arse. The Light Side is only worth saving because Ron, Hermione, Ginny and all my friends are on it. If they were on the Dark Side, I wouldn't bother trying to protect the Light Side. Wait, why am I talking like this is Star Wars? Oh well. Thanks for the letter!_

_From,_

_Harry Potter._

_

* * *

_

Dear Voldemort,

You should write a book, with all of your EVIL achievements (if you have any). I mean, you kill people, but is that really an achievement? You haven't found a way to become immortal either. So what are your achievements?

With the greatest respect towards you,  
jkrofanatic14

* * *

_Dear jkrofanatic14,_

_Hmm...well, I did gain a reputation as the most feared wizard in the world._

**_But then you got your ass kicked by a baby._**

_SHUT UP, BATTITAN! As I was saying, after I returned to power, I managed to instill fear in the hearts of witches and wizards everywhere. BWAHAHAHA!_

**_And then you got your ass kicked by a 17-year-old._**

_Would you leave me alone?!_

**_No._**

_Grrrrrrr...anyway, I'll consider the book._

_From,_

_The great and all-powerful Dark Lord Voldemort._

_

* * *

_

Dear Harry Potthead

When reading the last three books, I noticed that Dumbledore is mentioned alot. So, I was wondering, was Ginny your second choice, now that Voldemort is dead?

Your Loving (hating) fan (want-to-be-murderer),  
Whitetyger123

* * *

_Dear Whitetyger123,_

_Books? WHAT BOOKS?! AM I BEING STALKED?!_

**_Yes, Harry, you are._**

_Oh, okay, then. And I worked with Dumbledore a lot in my 6th year, 5th year I was mad at him for hiding from me, and 7th year I found out about his past. Are you insinuating that I was gay?! And I sure hope you didn't mean Voldemort and you meant Dumbledore there. Even Dumbledore is better than Voldy. But no, I was never gay, although after finding out about Grindelwald, I suspect Dumbledore was. Ginny is my first choice and I'm happy with her._

_From,_

_Harry Potter._

_

* * *

_

Dear Voldemort,

Howd you get stuck answering fanmail?

from Shale 101

* * *

_Dear Shale 101,_

_BatTitan threatened me into it._

**_Yeah, I told him I'd set Batman on him if he didn't._**

_Batman doesn't scare me._

**_Of course not. He's in denial, poor thing._**

_I AM NOT!_

_From,_

_The great and all-powerful Dark Lord Voldemort._

_

* * *

_

dear harry

i ahd a question for you, but i would get throw in azkaban for cruel and unusual treatment. provided your cannon harry. if not, it's very likely that you would pay me to do as such. so how about this? what 2 coins equl 30 cents and one of them isn't a nickel? if you watch scrubs, then you know the answer. even if you don't you probably know it.

dear kitten

a; i was kidding.  
b; my window is on ground level, so it would make more sense to sick alucard (hellsing) on me, or have me walk out my front door, into the lake..  
c; you don't know where i live.  
d; mr. firecrotch thinks mr. kitten has a bad temper.  
e; my dog licked my balls.

Both from keinve and sein.

* * *

_Dear keinve and sein,_

_Yeah, I know the answer, BatTitan told me. One is a quarter and the other is a nickel. You didn't say both weren't nickels! HA!_

**_You're losing it, Harry._**

_I know, Hermione's told me._

_From,_

_Harry Potter._

_Dear love,_

_a-I totally knew that._

_b-Who's Alucard? Fine, I'll do that, then._

_c-They have tracking spells!_

_d-Mr. Firecrotch can shove his opinions up his-_

**_VOLDY! LANGUAGE!_**

_Sorry. and e-I feel sorry for your dog. Must feel sick._

_From,_

_The great and all-powerful Dark Lord Voldemort._

_

* * *

_

'Sup Voldy-Woldy-Winkinsins?  
Why are ya so keen on killing our Potter?  
I mean HE'S A KID FOR PIE'S SAKE!  
Just go and...eat a doxy egg!  
bye!  
crazyzukofangirl1280  
P.S. Yes, I'm crazy! BWAHAHA!

* * *

_Dear crazyzukofangirl1280,_

_Voldy-Woldy-Winkinsins? I'll ignore that. Well, he beat me when he was a baby! And I need to regain my dignity! So what if he's a kid? I've killed kids before. A doxy egg, hmm...interesting idea. I'll try it._

**_Moron._**

_I heard that! and I could tell you're crazy from the letter. Pie's sake? all righty then..._

_From,_

_The great and all-powerful Dark Lord Voldemort._

_

* * *

_

**Thanks for all your letters! R&R!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 3**

* * *

**I was bored, so here's my holiday gift to my beloved readers...not in that way. Enjoy!

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**

Dear Moldy-Shorts,

HOW COULD YOU DIE? You lost to a seveteen year old. I thought you were smarter than that. If you weren't already dead i would personally kill you myself. By send dragons on you. Horntails to be precise. What do you have against 'The-Boy-Who-Just-Won't-Die' anyways. I bet you wanted him to live, DIDN"T YOU! Don't lie to me i can tell when people lie. Your new name shall forever be 'Moldy-Shorts the man who let the boy live.' Since you are already dead i will ressurect you then kill you again, and then again, and then again. You better be scared cause i'm coming for you. Say hi to Harry for me.

With all my love in concern,(I still hate you for dying and i'm still you going to kill you.Be afraid, be very afraid.)  
The-Werewolf-in-Ravenclaw

* * *

_Dear The-Werewolf-in-Ravenclaw,_

_Hmm, a werewolf, would you like to join my army of werewolves? You can be second-in-command (Fenrir is first obviously). And I suppose Ravenclaws aren't too bad...I merely underestimated him. Oh, do please resurrect me so that I can kill you off before you can kill me and then I can go after that bloody Potter. Why should I be scared of a filthy Muggle? What can you do to me?_

**_I'm a Muggle._**

_Yeah, well...screw yourself, BatTitan!_

**_WAAAHHH! You're a meanie! (leaves)_**

_From, (I still hate you for threatening me)_

_The great and all-powerful Dark Lord Voldemort._

_

* * *

_

Dear Dark Lord Voldemort (Flabbymort)

Yes! I said Flabbymort, and if you have a problem with that, tough! Okay then, now, was there anything going on between you and a certain loyal Death Eater who got her butt whooped by a certain Mrs. Molly Weasley? Just wondering if you have any children that Harry's going to have to kill. By the way, I hate you because you're the reason Sirius is dead, along with someone else. Peace out!

SiriusDoctorWhoHoney329

Dear Harry Potter,

Congratulations on the whole killing Voldemort thing, I'm glad now that you didn't die. I was just wondering if you had found any way of bringing your godfather who you are partially responsible for making die, the almighty hott and sexy Sirius Black, back from the dead, and if you have, could you put in a good word with him for me? Please? I'm begging you! Oh yeah, and I'm ticked off at you for all the crap you said to Remus during the chapter "The Bribe" in DH! Peace out Harry and I hope that James, Albus, Lily and Ginny are all doing well!

SiriusDoctorWhoHoney329

* * *

_Dear SiriusDoctorWhoHoney329,_

_Flabbymort?! That's it, you're going down! Well...after I finish my cocoa._

**_You're disgraceful._**

_Go away, BatTitan. Er...I...er...never had a date or any romance whatsoever._

**_Gee, I wonder why (sarcasm intended)._**

_Now that just plain hurt. Doesn't everyone hate me? Sigh._

_From,_

_The great and all-powerful Dark Lord Voldemort._

_Dear SiriusDoctorWhoHoney329,_

_Thanks, I had a bit of trouble figuring out how to kill him, but I finally did it! Er...no, I haven't brought Sirius back and I don't think I can. Ugh, hot and sexy? Nasty images...but no, I'm sorry, I can't bring him back._

**_Harry, are you crying?_**

_(sniffles) NO!_

_**Hey, no need to be so defensive...don't worry, SiriusDoctorWhoHoney329, he's PMSing.**_

_STOP INSINUATING THAT I'M A FREAKING GIRL! And I do regret saying all that stuff to Remus, and I wish I could take it back...(sniffles) but I can't...I lost that chance when he...(breaks down into sobs)_

**_Oh, no, he's started angsting. GET A GRIP, POTTER! (slaps Harry) Sorry, Harry, had to be done. You know I love you dearly._**

_Yeah, thanks, BatTitan. And yes, my kids and Ginny are fine, thank you for asking, SiriusDoctorWhoHoney329! Bye!_

_From,_

_Harry Potter._

_

* * *

_

Tom,

Guess Who?  
IT'S crazyzukofangirl1280! again!  
I have 1 thing to say to you!  
YOU'RE A MEANIE!  
and you know who visits meanies!  
MR. SIT-DOWN!  
Grawp then sits down on Tom  
BWAHAHA!

Juse

P.S. welcome to RANDOMNESS VILL! population: YOUR MOM!  
P.S.S. got the Mr. Sit-down idea from Kim Possible

* * *

_Dear crazyzukofangirl1280,_

_GAH! NOT YOU AGAIN! Yes, I am a meanie, as BatTitan so kindly acknowledged. Miss Obvious..._

**_I HEARD THAT! DON'T MAKE ME GET BATMAN IN HERE!_**

_I am not intimidated by the Bat._

_**Sigh. Batman, please come here!**_

**_You called?_**

_MEEPERS! (hides)_

**_Okay, that's all. Thanks, Bruce._**

**_No problem (leaves)._**

_Is he gone?_

**_Yep._**

_Good._

**_Don't make me bring him back._**

_(gulps) I won't, ma'am. GAH! GRAWP, YOU STUPID GIANT, GET OFF! (dies from his neck breaking)_

_From,_

_The great and all-powerful Dark Lord Voldemort._

_

* * *

_

okay, this is keinve asking asking cookie.

a; sure you did. we believe you.  
d; reverse his name to find out his identity.  
c; who is the creator, and who is the creatition. be nice, or i will pair you up with dumbledore and ron.  
d; stabity-stabity-stab. finish the joke.  
e; it's a line of a song.  
f; were you born an asshole? or did you work it in your whole life?  
g; either way it worked out fine, cause your an asshole tonight. yes you're an a-s-s-h-o-l-e.

okay, it's sein. not for people with sensetive hearts.

1. are you compensating for smoething with your ego?  
2. why did you GRAB dumbledores WAND?  
3. i was talking to your mother, jsut the other night.  
4. i told her i thought you're an asshole. and she said 'yes, i think you're right'.  
5. just a question... why the hell are you so obsessed with a small boy and snakes?  
6. has anyone ever told you that you resemble a muggle by the name of micheal jackson? because you do remind me of him... her... it.  
7. if you ask really nicely, i will let you be my shoe shiner.  
8. please do not continue. i have no wish to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.

now to biscuit.

a; any chance of getting you to join the world weavers? i technically have a formula for immortality going. and eternal youth, and no dark magic!

sein will control himself this time.

1. huh... can't think of anyhting. probably becasue i'm listening to the asshole song...

* * *

_To keinve:_

_a: **He doesn't want to answer that cause he has nothing to say on that topic anymore.**_

_b: Oh...Dracula...good friend of mine. I will sic him on you. So there._

_c: anything but Dumbledore!_

_d: killity-kill-kill?_

_e: Knew that._

_f: Worked it in. bwahahaha._

_g: **He doesn't feel like answering this either. He's lazy, sorry keinve.**_

_To sein:_

_1. No. Screw you._

_2. MAGICAL wand. Get your mind out of the gutter, kid._

_3. Mom's dead._

_4. **He is now crying that his mother doesn't love him. Pathetic.**_

_5. Snakes are cool! Small boys...er...I don't want to get into that._

_6. NOT MICHAEL JACKSON! I have heard of him...he's scary...shudder._

_7. Fuck no._

_8. **He won't continue, as you wished, sein. But he's crying that you think he's unarmed...I'm laughing my ass off. And so is Harry.**_

_From,_

_The great and all-powerful Dark Lord Voldemort._

_Dear keinve:_

_Biscuit? Oookaay...what are world weavers? Sounds intriguing..._

_Dear sein:_

_What's the asshole song?_

_From,_

_Harry Potter._

_

* * *

_

Dear Voldie,

Why are you the most hideous thing on the planet? I had a dark mark airbrush tattoo at a Muggle fair, and saw a guy who was a DA supporter. We had no choice but to face off. But then I realized that if I join you, then I'm campaigning for UGLINESS! Plus, you destroyed your ancestor's line. WHY must you quest for immortality? It sucks!

Despising your hideousness,

Shadow Dream, a.k.a, Kage Koutetsu Yume

Dear Harry,

Why do you go with Ginny? I favor you with Hermione pairings. Ron and Hermine isn't going to work out. Most of my favorite epic, awesome, well written stories involve Harry/Hermione, Ron/Luna, Ginny/Draco or Ginny/Neville. I don't like you with Ginny. RAWR!

* * *

_Dear Shadow Dream,_

_Er...I can't explain that..._

**_Good thing you weren't this bad looking at Hogwarts. You'd have been kicked out._**

_IMMORTALITY ROCKS!_

_From,_

_The great and all-powerful Dark Lord Voldemort._

_Dear Shadow Dream,_

_I considered Hermione, but no, she doesn't see me as more than a friend. At the most, a brother. And I see her as a sister. I just can't picture us as an item. But I'm happy with Ginny, even if you aren't content with us._

_From,_

_Harry Potter._

_

* * *

_

Voldy-Mort,

I have MAJOR gloating to do.  
ahem  
Guess what? Your Death Eater freakies came to my house. I told them off. They tried to do the Killing curse on me and IT DIDNA WORK! WTFREAK! I HAVE FEELINGS, YOU KNOW! What if I wanted to be dead?! No, I didn't, and don't... but STILL. You failed me.  
I'm immortal, by the way. You CAN do it without murdering anybody or doing Horcruxes- or ANY dark magic, for that matter. It was given to me cause I was a good girl and let the horsies live. A LONG, long time ago.  
sings Happy birthday to me. I'm four thousand and three. AND YOU'RE NOT!!  
Actually... I dunno how old I am.  
...  
OH.  
You're going to LOVE this. And hate me.  
I can make other people immortal.  
raspberry  
I'm dressing in hot pink for Dumbledore' funeral. I always wear black, so I'm making a miracle for his funeral. He'll still be dead, but I'M going to wear HOT PINK!  
So are you, by the way. There's a curse been sent after you that'll turn you hot pink.  
Also, I don't believe you got spanked enough as a child. If I ever find you, you will NEVER EVER EVER FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE SIT DOWN AGAIN!  
If you use bad grammar I will do unimaginably evil things to you. Your pathetic killing curse is NOTHING compared to the stuff I can do.

Marli

P.S. I took a bullet that hit the upper left chamber of my heart, three major arteries, and two rather important veins. Not surprisingly, my brother thinks I'm dead. Psshh.

P.S.S. I wouldn't be telling you this if I hadn't been recently poisoned w/ Verasiteram or whatsitcalled. Needless to say, I'm quite annoyed at my current inability to keep secrets.

* * *

_Dear Marli,_

_Wow, you're ranting, aren't you? IMMORTAL?! HIT ME! PLEASE!_

**_OKAY! (slaps Voldy)_**

_Not like that. GAH! Hot pink?! (pouts) I want black._

**_Get over it._**

_You ain't never gonna touch me. HA, BAD GRAMMAR! What you gonna do 'bout that?!_

_From,_

_The great and all-powerful Dark Lord Voldemort._

_P.S. I can't blame your brother. In fact, I wish you were dead._

_P.S.S. Did BatTitan poison you? I wouldn't put it past her._

* * *

Dear Voldy

Why would you go after Harry when the prophasie could mean Nevil two? He would be the most obvious choice, considering he's a pure-blood. And, Harry is too stupid to do anything truely productive.

Your truely, whitetyger123

* * *

_Dear whitetyger123,_

_I found Harry more threatening. But yeah, he is stupid._

_From,_

_The great and all-powerful Dark Lord Voldemort._

_

* * *

_

Dearest Harry, and Voldemort,

You two do know you have a LOT in common right? And yet you Harry fight for that old man(dumbledork) who keeps setting you up, and using you as a pawn, and you Voldemort keep tring to kill all muggles and muggleborns even though it has been shown that many muggleborns are stronger and smarter than prueblooded wizards. ie: Hermione Granger & Neville Longbottom. And cosidering you are halfblooded yourself who are you to judge?  
You really need to start looking out for number 1 Harry, and if your friends stand against you, they don't deserve your loyalty.  
You really need to start getting your priorities straight there Voldemort, you are in danger of becoming a hypocrite!

Love to you both, and hoping you with see the light(or darkness if you prefer),

LadyHuntress

* * *

**_Dear LadyHuntress,_**

**_Okay, Harry's gonna be underlined and Voldy's gonna be italicized. I'll be like this._**

_I do know we have much in common. I told Potter that in his second year._

And I don't care. I know Dumbledore's using me. But Hermione, Ron, Ginny and most of my friends don't stand against me. Some do, and they don't matter to me. But my true friends care.

_I AM NOT A HYPOCRITE!_

**_I say that ship has sailed._**

I quite agree, BatTitan.

**_Thank you, my dear friend._**

_I AM PUREBLOOD! PUREBLOOD, I TELL YOU!_

**_Sigh, still in denial._**

Sad.

**_Indeed._**

_From,_

_Harry and Voldy._

_

* * *

_

Dear Voldemort,  
Once you realized that by trying to kill Harry when he was baby, you fulfilled the destiny, how stupid did you feel? I mean, there has you literally walked right into that one. By ignoring the prophecy all together Potter would've never become a problem. You have to have some self-hatred for that move.

From,  
Evilangel-001

* * *

_Dear Evilanger-001,_

_Yeah, I do feel stupid now. Should've seen it coming. Oh well._

_From,_

_The great and all-powerful Dark Lord Voldemort._

_

* * *

_

voldie-why are your bald all the time? haven't you ever heard of a wig?

burnin4Christ

* * *

_Dear burnin4Christ,_

_Er...a side effect from all the Dark Arts...I tried wigs, too scratchy._

**_Plus, they kept sliding off (snickers)._**

_Shut up! (Avadas BatTitan)_

_From,_

_The great and all-powerful Dark Lord Voldemort._

_

* * *

_

**Well, since Voldy killed me, it'll take a while till the next update. Anyone want to bring me back to life? R&R!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 4**

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**Well, it took a while, but I finally got some time to type this up! Wow, so many people brought me back to life. Enjoy!**

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**

keinve, to tommy-tum-tum.

on a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses?

your horcruxes don't make you immortal. you need the help of the dementors for that. their king, a human dementor hybrid, can only die by suicide. of course, it takes some major bribing to become their king. there has only been one. my father. and yes, that makes me part dementor. while i can't suck out someone's soul by kissing them, i can fatigue them quite a bit. it was the reason i was chosen. and no, we won't be recruiting you. we will most likely be recruiting harry, assuming the super harry fics have any truth to them. and sien has no questions for you, but he does have some for harry. yes, it is time to embarass him.

hello harry. we're watching you. we watch everything you do, every minute of every day. we know when you are sleeping. we know when your on the can. we'll hunt you down and blast your ass from here to pakistan. you better not breath, you better not move, you're better off dead, i'm telling you dude. world weavers are gunning you down. on a lighter note, when you read this sentence, you will find yourself without genetalia. hope that the author gets the next 2 chapters in quick, as i will only reverse it then. now then, revives author. and kein has one more thing to say to 'tommy-tum-tum'.

all prophecys are self fulfilling. next time you hear one, obliviate yourself. and concentrate on yourself, just so that you get it. now then, i would put this flower in your hair, but you don't have any... i know! shoves flower down tommy-tum-tum's mouth there we go! now george is sure to eat you from the inside out!

* * *

_Dear keinve,_

_Firstly, my name is Lord Voldemort...not Tommy-Tum-Tum. And...no, I wouldn't offer my throat to a wolf no matter what night or day it was._

**_Wouldn't surprise me if you do._**

_Get lost, Batty!_

**_Stop calling me that, it sounds as if I'm crazy!_**

_But you are crazy._

**_SHHH, my beloved readers don't have to know that._**

_From,_

_The great and all-powerful Dark Lord Voldemort._

_Dear keinve and sein,_

_Wow. You're like an evil Santa Claus._

**_Harry, is Santa real?_**

_Er...funny story about that, BatTitan._

_**Holy crap, you mean he IS real?!**_

_Um...yeah._

**_...I should start leaving carrots for the reindeer._**

_From,_

_Harry Potter._

_

* * *

_

Dear Voldemort,  
Why ARE you evil. What reason did you have besides "My dad's a muggle and I'm an oprhan" to go and kill off muggle-borns and muggles. I mean, don't get me wrong, Mister Voldemort, I respect you and all, but I really think your mother being completely inbred effected your mind. Also, do you hate all the other houses besides Slytherin? Because I would have been a Hufflepuff and I don't hate you.  
Oh, and say hi to Bellatrix for me!  
Much Love,  
Bert-the-farting-hippo  
Ps. I have a poster of you on my wall.

Dear Harry,  
Why didn't you die? You see, I was estatic when you did die, but then you woke up. I was totally crushed. I wanted you and the other two "golden trio" members to die. Then Neville could have offed Voldemort and Bellatrix in a stunning and perfect turn of events. By the way, do tell Molly Weasley I hate her for that, killing off my favorite and embaressing her memory at the same time! The nerve of that woman!  
Sincerely,  
Bert-the-farting-hippo

* * *

_Dear Bert-the-farting-hippo,_

_Er...that's probably the only reason I am evil, actually._

**_I said it once and I'll say it again, Tommy-Tum-Tum. You're a disgrace._**

_STOP CALLING ME THAT! And yes, I hate every house except Slytherin...and Ravenclaw. They're bookish, but evilly clever. And I will tell her hi, just because you have that poster up._

_From,_

_The great and all-powerful Dark Lord Voldemort._

_Dear Bert-the-farting-hippo,_

_I love you, too (sarcasm intended). That's all I have to say on the matter._

_From,_

_Harry Potter.

* * *

_

To (Darth) Voldemort:

Okay, um, first. What is up with your name? I mean, I know it means flight of death and what not, but Voldemort? You do get points for creativity, though. Oh, and where the crap did you learn French? Or was that accidental? (Oh by the way, you make my evil villian top ten list, you're right up there with Barbosa (What? He rocks, and Voldemort would probably get along with him well, I doubt he liked his first name very much... Hector Barbosa? No...) and Darth Varder.) Ah, well, you suck.

Have a very nice day,  
Kerri.

P.S. What's the difference between a Darth and a Dark Lord? Are you, like, Darth Voldemort, since, you know, you've been stalking Harry (Who's pretty stupid and would be easy to kill, just get a sledge hammer and...) and technically you didn't beat him, so would he be Dark Lord Harry? Can't there only be one Dark Lord at a time? Isn't that how the entire Star Wars thing works?

To: (Dark Lord) Harry  
One question... WHY? HOW DID YOU SURVIVE? I mean, he's, like, REALLY OLD! And you were just seventeen! You are really lucky, you know that? I mean, it obviously didn't have anything to do with skill... and are you Dark Lord now? Since, in Star Wars, you can't be the Dark Lord until you've, like, killed the previous dark lord... or your master... hmm... ponders I'm looking that up! You suck!

Have a very nice day!

Kerri!

P.S. I'm going to refer to you as Dark Lord Harry forever:)

* * *

_Dear Kerri,_

_Really, is that what my name means? I just used an anagram server to find an evil name. Barbossa?_

**_POTC. I loved that movie. The third one was okay. I never saw the second._**

_Ah. Muggle thing. I don't care._

_From,_

_The great and all-powerful Dark Lord Voldemort._

_P.S. ...I don't know. I don't watch Star Wars._

_Dear Kerri,_

_Actually, he was 72 years old._

**_Yes, I calculated it. I'm smart like that._**

_And we're all very proud of you, BatTitan (pats BatTitan on head). I don't watch Star Wars, either, so I wouldn't know._

**_Neither do I._**

_From,_

_Harry Potter._

_

* * *

_

TOM RIDDLE!!  
I had a little chat with your mum- thanks to my dead boyfriend (love ya, Flik)- and I have permission to give you a spanking. I also talked to Anne Frank. She hates you! Although Anne doesn't appreciate the nickname, I've sent the Gramar Nazis after you.  
Also, TOM, my brother is a Muggle, and he could kick your sorry ass! (sorry BatTitan. I'm kinda worked up) You wouldn't be able to touch him with a single spell! He's too fast! You also wouldn't be able to use Legilimency- hope I spelled it right- not because he knows Occlumency,because he DOESN'T, but because he is too smart, and has mental barriers preventing that.  
As to the remark about wishing I was dead, I can truthfully say that far more people wish YOU were dead. Also, you WILL be hot pink. For the rest of your life, unless I wish it off of you. And no, BatTitan didn't poison me. My brother's freinds did. They have discovered that I am alive, although they just recently learned about me. I am striking a bargain to keep them from telling Brother dear about my living condition. I now regret having the Verasiterum in my pocket. Don't know how they knew what it was anyways.  
The Grammar Nazis aren't Muggles, you idiot. They are THE greatest time-traveling wizards in history. The ones that love grammar, anyways. Which includes Merlin. He knows a LOT of spells. I joined roughly... two hundred years ago. I know a spell that will shock you like a bolt of lightning every time you make a grammar error. So watch it, TOMMIE!  
TOMMIE, you are neither great nor all-powerful, so stop signing your letters so. If you were one of those things, you wouldn't have gotten your ass (sorry again) by a baby, then a seventeen year old, as previously stated by BatTitan. You are a monster not worthy of immortality. You won't become a proper Immortal. You're just a wizard version of Hitler. Campaining against what they themslves are. You want to kill half-bloods and muggleborns though you are one, and Hitler wanted to kill Jews, though HE was one.  
My brother doesn't wish I was dead, he only thinks I am dead.  
By the way, I revived BatTitan. If you kill her again, I'm going to set a demon on you.

I hate you so much.

From,  
The REALLY great and almost all-powerful PRINCESS Sarileigh of Alaxia.

P.S. (eyes title distastefully) Yah, I come from one of the oldest and most freaking PROUD royal families to ever exist. I am the last of it's line, thank God. They were really quite horrid people. So I'm pureblood. (spits) Not that I'm going to be happy about it or act all superior. But I might set my mum's ghost on you. She'll nag and nag and nag and treat you like trash. THERE'S something to shudder about. FORGET demons. I go by Marli now. I used to go by Sarili when I was in Alaxia.  
P.S.S. Brother's friends aren't taking the bargain. They're going to tell him if I don't do something. I don't want to kill them though. So scram!

Dear Harry,

Hiya! My best friend has a major crush on you.

WHAT! MARLI! DON'T TELL HIM! I'LL DROPPED DEAD!

Drop dead, Megan, not dropped dead.

YOU WANT ME TO DROP DEAD? WAH! (runs off crying)

(sweatdrop)

Anyways... sorry about that. My dead boyfriend doesn't want me to write you. Or Tom. At first I thought it was because TOMMIE did kill lots of innocent people.  
JK! He doesn't mind. I don't care that he haunts me. The downside is that he walks through walls - specifically, bathroom walls.  
Well, if you read TOMMIE'S letter too, you know a couple thousand secrets.  
Wanna know something funny? I once heard somebody say,"Where in Merlin's pants have you been!?" If you don't get it, say it over in your head. Or ask someone to explain it to you.  
Do you know what I can do to or for my brother's friends to keep them from telling my brother I'm alive? I'm running out of ideas.  
Congrats on defeating TOMMIE. It was very brave of you to do what you did. Oh, and please keep the heroing down a bit? I don't want my superiors to order me to make you and the billions of other people in the Battle of Hogwarts Immortal. I think they're building a freaking ARMY or something, 'cuz this is like the fourteenth time in this century I've had to - and that's only the people that are supposed to be dead.  
I have to go now. It was delightful writing you.

Infinite respect,

Marli

P.S. How're your friends and Ginny?

P.S.S. D'you KNOW what Sirius asked me to do when I was trying to talk with TOMMIE'S mom? He freakin' wanted me to hook him up with one of my Immortal friends. What can I say? I have contacts everywhere, including with dead people and in other dimensions. Thus the fact that my boyfriend is DEAD. Well, he wasn't dead when I met him, but... still.

* * *

_Dear Marli,_

_The Grammar Police don't scare me none. I ain't gonna give a damn about them. Whatcha gonna do? OH! You can't do anything, you can't do anything, nya nya nya!_

**_...wow._**

_I'm worked up, too, apparently._

**_Oh, by the way, since Marli's my bestest friend on this site, she told me to tell you to stop signing off like how you do. You're neither great nor all-powerful._**

_I was!_

**_Till you got your ass handed to you by a 17-year-old. Great job, by the way, Harry._**

Thanks, BatTitan!

_From,_

_The great and all-powerful Dark Lord Voldemort. (HAHA STILL SIGNING OFF LIKE THIS! BEAT THAT, KITTY CAT!)_

**_P.S. Sorry, Marli, he's a bit pissed off at you._**

_Dear Marli,_

_Hahaha, tell Megan that it's okay, she can have an autograph if she wants. Even if I'm not into the celebrity thing. Ha, your boyfriend walks through bathroom walls? I feel sorry for you! ...oh, I get the Merlin's pants thing. You're funny. No wonder BatTitan thinks you're awesome._

**_Well, she is. And she's a better writer than I am!_**

_...sure, whatever. Sorry about the hero complex. It's an instinct._

_**You'd get along with my dad.**_

_And he would be...?_

_**Batman.**_

_Seriously? Wow. Anyway, Ginny and everyone else are fine, thanks for asking. HAHA, tell Sirius that I'm very disappointed in him._

_From,_

_Harry Potter._

_

* * *

_

Bad Voldemort! (sic's Cujo on him) No killing the author! Its bad manners, you hypocrite! And yes you are a hypocrite! You know for being an evil 'dark lord' you really suck at it. I mean you can't kill a baby, your followers deny you, (yes I know Bellatrix didn't but sense she is insane she doesn't count) your ugly as crap, and lets not get started on your dumb propaganda. You are a disgrace to all TRUE Dark Lords, and Ladies! Any true follower of the dark arts would kick your sorry butt just to put you in your place, licking their boots! By the way have you had a rabies shot? (evil grin)

Harry, any chance you could call Fawkes to bring the author back? He liked you and might be presuaded to come to the rescue for you. By the way, you have hidden a certain... magic item havn't you? It would be a shame if it were found.. and picked someone else... again. I mean it picked Draco.. so who knows who else it would pick?

-LadyHuntress

* * *

_Dear LadyHuntress,_

_NOOOOOOOO I CAN'T BE A HYPOCRITE! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!_

**_No, he hasn't had his rabies shot. Perhaps you would like to do the honors? (identical evil grin)_**

You are absolutely evil, BatTitan.

**_I know I am._**

Well, since so many people revived her, there was no need to call Fawkes. And...er...BatTitan found it.

**_(goes around bringing dead guys back to life) WHEEEEEEEE! I know I can do this with the Resurrection Stone, but I can't wave that. This is WAY more fun! (turns Voldy into a dolphin in the process) YAY!_**

_From,_

_Voldy and Harry Potter._

_

* * *

_

dear he-who's-name-must-be-hyphenated,  
what would you say if I told you I made a coconut snowman cookie that looked like your head. then gave it a marshmallow hat and proceeded to eat it. well its true and I wanted to tell you it tasted extremely good.

burnin4Christ

* * *

_Dear burnin4Christ,_

_...I never liked coconuts, anyway._

**_Oh Merlin, we have something in common (faints)._**

_(also faints)_

_From,_

_An unconscious great and all-powerful Dark Lord Voldemort._

_

* * *

_

Dear Dark Lord,

I would love to join you in your Werewolf Army. Second in comand doen't sound to bad. Oh and i am sorry for threatening you my Lord. With all do respect i will resurrect but please don't kill me. Please! And of course ravenclaws aren't that bad, we are smart and after i resurrect you i can help you with plans to kill Harry. But i still want to know what you have against them. Just don't kill me. Oh and i would be delighted to bite Harry to lower his self esteem if that is what you wish me to do.

With much love and repect,  
The-Werewolf-in-Ravenclaw

* * *

_Dear The-Werewolf-in-Ravenclaw,_

_Oh, all right, but only since you are so devoted to me._

**_What is WRONG with you, Wolfie?_**

_She seems very normal._

**_If you count evil as normal._**

_I do!_

**_Well...you're weird. Not my fault._**

_Well, Potter beat me! That should be enough for you! Please, bite him...although, it would make him potentially more dangerous._

_From,_

_The great and all-powerful Dark Lord Voldemort._

_

* * *

_

Dear (not really) You-Know-Who-But-Not-Really-Since-No-One-Says-Your-Name-  
And-It-Leads-To-Mistaken-Identity

For Pi's sake! Why don't you just sent him a letter bomb? You couldn't kill a baby, what makes ya think you can do it now? Your  
also a filthy hypocrite and I hope you get a life, but I understand you apparent fear of Bat Titan, and hope you get crushed by fan (not) mail.

See You in hell, The-Insane-One, DaxLP

P.S. I like Pi!

* * *

_Dear DaxLP,_

_A letter bomb?_

**_Muggle thing._**

_Doesn't seem good, then._

**_You know...my dad's a Muggle._**

_So?_

**_He's Batman._**

_Dear, sweet, forgiving BatTitan, you're looking rather radiant today._

**_Nice try. Yes, DaxLP, he is terrified of me, but only because of my dad._**

_From,_

_The great and all-powerful Dark Lord Voldemort._

_

* * *

_

Dear Moldy-Shorts and BatTitan  
Why HELO.I am the sister of The-Werewolf-in-Ravenclaw.BatTitan and Moldy just to let you know the stuff about resurrecting moldy and killing him again and again and again, was all my idea, so don't kill my sister. BatTitan i will resurrect you so you can kill Moldy, and i shall stand by your side and kill him. But first we have to resurrect him. Moldy you are an idiot, a git, a flaberflefleh, and lost to a seventeen year old. I will resurrect you and Bellatrix. I will get all my friends and I am magic just to let you know, and so are they, and we will kill you. I will also get BatTitan if you want to BatTitan, and all of us will kill you. This will happen more than once.

Toodles,  
Skylar  
P.S. I'm a girl don't think i'm a boy just by my name. And moldy i promise i will kill you. Triple Promise. Anyway Toodles see you soon!(So I can kill you.)

* * *

_Dear Skylar,_

_I love you, too (sarcasm intended)._

**_Ooh, thanks for resurrecting me! I really do love you! Platonically, of course. Yeah, I'd love to join you and your friends in your quest to kill Moldy-Shorts. I love your name, too. It's very pretty and it doesn't sound like a boy's at all._**

_From,_

_The great and all-powerful Dark Lord Voldemort._

_

* * *

_

Dear Harry,

I respect you and Voldomort. I am in merlin house not griffy not raven not snakey not puff head HA!

Love,  
Teddylonglong's biggest fan

* * *

_Dear Teddylonglong's biggest fan,_

_Er...thanks for the respect, I suppose. I dunno why you'd respect Voldemort, but everyone's entitled to their own opinion. Good for you, I guess._

_From,_

_Harry Potter._

_

* * *

_

Dear Voldemort (aka "Voldy")

Don't you get annoyed when people call you Voldy, or is that better than Tom Riddle. Secondly, are you aware that you are famous to Muggles? And thirdly, if you could do any random thing you wanted (besides killing Harry) what would it be?

I appriciate your time,  
PotterPhantomKitten (aka Kit)

P.S.: Snakes rule! I can speak some Parsletongue!

* * *

_Dear Kit,_

_I do get annoyed, but people call me that so often that I get tired of Avada-ing them. Except for BatTitan. Never get tired of hearing her screams of death._

**_Thanks, Voldy, I love you, too._**

_Er...yeah, I am aware. After someone asked me about my rough life as a child, I asked BatTitan about it and she showed me the books and movies. I have to admit, Ralph Fiennes played me quite well._

**_He's a Muggle._**

_Then he sucked. Well, if I could do anything I wanted...I'd...kill BatTitan. Oh, wait. I CAN do that. (Avadas BatTitan)_

_From,_

_The great and all-powerful Dark Lord Voldemort._

_

* * *

_

Dear BatTitan

Can we send letters to you?(Starts wondering real hard)Now my brain hurts I need to learn not to think.When I resurrect you will you stand by my side and kill Moldy-Shorts?Do you like being a muggle? Iwonder what it's like.Now my brain hurts again I have to stop thiking.Do you wonder what it's like to be a wizard?Well it sure ain't fun much more work and studying than muggles.You know the m word Moldy Draco and other people use for muggleborns well I'm one of those and I despise that word.Oh I almost forgot I'm a princess.Princess Skalyra but now I just go by Skylar.

signed

Would You Terribly Mind If I Killed Moldy Shorts

Princess Skalyra (Skylar)

P.S. Show this to Moldy I want to know what he says and update soon.

* * *

**_Dear Skylar,_**

**_Yeah, sure, you can send letters to me. That goes for everyone out there! I don't really like being a Muggle, I'd prefer being a witch. I guess I can live with being a Muggle, though, even if I despise the idea of no magic. My dad acts as though he's not sensitive to the fact that he doesn't have any cool powers like Superman, but he really is sensitive. So, since I don't want to hurt his feelings, I'll stay a Muggle. You're a Muggleborn? That's cool. I always thought they were the most powerful. Take a look at Hermione, for example. She rocks, plain and simple. Cool, a princess! Of what kingdom, may I ask?_**

**_From,_**

**_BatTitan._**

**_P.S. I did show it to him and he got angry that you were so nice to me when you were mean to him._**

**_

* * *

_**

Dear Voldemort,

I've always believed Slytherin to be the good guy who would be ashamed of you ever since I started to see sense. The big fight was probably just a best friend spat about how Sal was worried about sending Muggleborns to the school. Gryffondor was reckless, so it was a quiet disagreement that was settled later. The 'exile from the school' was just Sal in a corner channeling his anger through the penguins at the south pole. BTW, if you want super powerful allies, then look no further than the penguins, for they are really evil.

Still hating you,

Shadow Dream aka Kage Koutetsu Yume

Dear Harry,

Well, if thats how you see it, then I suppose I can always pretend it was you and Hermione. Though, perhaps you should, oh, I dunno, check your drinks for love potion for a week. Pass that to Hermione too. Anyway, I'll just settle for my imagined timeline split. I just still can't believe that you two lowered yourselves to the two youngest Weasleys. They give me bad vibes. Ron and Ginny anyway. Fred and George are really cool. Also, here's a book called 'Heir of the Founders'. Do read it and also try this other book called 'It's for the Best'. They're really good, and there's no evil Weasleys. Also, Dark does not neccesarily mean evil. Do not get them mixed up. Wingardium Leviosa could be used to lift someone out a 5-story window. Avada Kedavra could be used on river water in a pot to kill the harmful germs or humanely kill a suffering animal. Remember that. Evil is evil, dark is dark, but dark is not always evil.

* * *

_Dear Shadow Dream,_

_Yes, I have met the penguins and arranged a conference with them discussing our partnership._

**_Penguins...shudder...EVIL._**

_Have you met them?_

**_I've met THE Penguin. You know, one of my dad's enemies?_**

_Ah, yes, we must meet sometime._

**_I can arrange for that (sends Voldy to Arkham Asylum) Heehee._**

_From,_

_The great and all-powerful Dark Lord Voldemort._

_Dear Shadow Dream,_

_I'm already checking._

**_Bwahahaha._**

_This is all your fault. You could have just been happy with me and Ginny, BatTitan, but NO._

**_I like you and Hermione better. We're on the same page, Shadow Dream._**

_I have heard of instances where simple spells have been used like that. Thanks, I'll keep them in mind. I'll also read those books._

_From,_

_Harry Potter._

_

* * *

_

**Hey, change in rules, you can curse all you want, cause I don't really care anymore. And I am probably going to make quite a few Batman references now on, so better brush up on your old Batman knowledge. R&R! Oh, and Marlicat, cause I KNOW you're gonna read this eventually, turn Voldy neon green for a day, just cause he killed me AGAIN.**


End file.
